Okay, so I have been working on 3 different posts at the same time and I guess it was my love for College Composition II that continues to pave my way for ending these posts as essays - WAY too long. I am working on revisions and should have a bombardment of stories, opinions, and posts very soon.
In the meantime, I thought I'd leave an idea on something I first really REALIZED just yesterday. How it has taken me so long to figure out, I'm sure I don't know, but it no doubt has to do with the continual conditioning that affecting me for so many of my early years.
I was reading the current position the church has taken on Brigham Young and the fact that he had dozens and DOZENS of wives (the records according to the church are 55 freaking wives). I sat there dumbfounded, ONE because the church is FINALLY coming out and admitting things that critics have been saying for decades (over a century, really), and TWO, I was overwhelmed with sadness for these poor, completely neglected women. For those of you who are married (or have been in any real relationship), how many times have you felt that maybe your significant other is not paying enough attention to you? How many times have you maybe thought they did not understand you and communication needed to "enter" and things be talked out. NOW consider the fact you have 54 other "sister-wives" (I ain't no sista' wife!) who absolutely, unequivocally must be feeling neglected, overworked, misunderstood, etc...., and have to fight for your own husband's affections.
Between 16 of Brigham Young's wives, he fathered 56 children. FIFTY SIX freaking kids who all only had ONE father (46 of these children reached adulthood). Again, how often have we had the father of our children, maybe needing to spend more time with his kids? Maybe he needs to have some valuable one-on-one to ensure a continued good relationship and knowing that they are emotionally meeting the needs of the child? There is no way, NO WAY on God's green earth that Brigham Young could have even come close to meeting either his wives or his childrens emotional, psychological, romantic, sexual, or spiritual needs (since the latter two would be ones his wives really relied on him for).
Eventually 10 of these women divorced Brigham Young (ONLY 10?), and it was widely known that many of his other wives were much older (Brigham Young considered them like "mothers".... um, yea - that's creepy). Six of his wives had been Joseph Smith's wives (um, yea - still creepy), and he built a huge home where each of his wives had their own little area in which to raise their children.
When I was sitting there last night, thinking about those women, I went back and forth as to how they could have lived that way. Of course there was a huge amount of respect for them by thousands of Mormons at this point - hell, they were married to "Big Cheese." The women that ended up divorcing him were, of COURSE, outcasted and no longer considered a part of the community. So it can be somewhat understood that since they lived in an all-Mormon community, and obviously BELIEVED that the church that their husband RAN was true (NOT to mention the fact that he was also the Governor of the state of Utah), they probably decided that they had a good gig and with the continual promise of "all the blessings of heaven" just ran with it.
But what must they have thought when they lay alone at night - night after night after night. What must they have thought when they knew their husband was having sex with at least 15 other women (the number was MUCH higher, but let's stick with what we KNOW)? What must they have thought of themselves when they yearned for him as their husband, when they were lonely for his companionship, or when they felt neglected and alone? Probably guilt for even feeling that way.
This thought process is now fast-forwarded to the current days where women are raised in the church to know, accept, and be grateful for the fact that they will stay at home and raise their own families. Never-mind any talents, gifts, ambitions, dreams, etc..., they may have, they will be grateful to sacrifice those 30-40 years (because if you're going to pop out a ton of kids, it's going to take some time) that they dedicate to their husband and children.
PLEASE do not misunderstand my position on stay-at-home mothers. I absolutely admire, respect, and advocate it..... out of choice! But what happens in this church is that we as women are admired and encouraged to grow up and have a large family that we stay at home and raise. But what are we really talking about here? We raise our sons to go out into the world and fulfill their dreams and aspirations, and we encourage our daughters to grow up and...... have a large family that they stay home and raise. It is a complete CYCLE and one that is so incredibly damaging to women (it's ALL about the sons if you really think about it)!
While they will tell you it is ALL about personal choice, they will not bother to mention the social, marital, and familial repercussions. When my sister wanted to go and get a part-time job doing something that encouraged her fantastic natural abilities in sewing, she was not only talked to by her in-laws (whom she very much respects), but her husband as well. She knew that if she did choose to continue with her idea of this part-time job, she would lose the respect of a family she adored. The pressure was too great and she eventually abandoned the idea. Let me tell you - it was more damaging than you can imagine. Even SHE does not correlate her giving up her own dreams to the depression, continual aggravation, and suffocation she feels from always doing things the way she is "suppose" to do.
This is where I mention how grateful I am that I got out of this church while I was still young enough to avoid these issues. I did not marry into it... I did not give birth to children under their religious laws.... and I do not raise my daughters to hope that one day they can serve their families alone (and be GRATEFUL for it). I do, however, hope that when my daughters have children, that they work with their partners to create a loving, equal position of responsibility and I am forever grateful that my daughters have a strong, independent, self-thinking mother that is free of guilt, suppression (because let me tell you, no one holds this Momma down), and EXTREME expectations. Oh, and by the way, I'm a stay-at-home mother who will eventually work part-time outside of the home. Out of choice.
amen, sista!
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